Why? Why is this happening?
I just went through the horrible ordeal 2 years ago...
and i'm about to experience it again in 2 or 3 years later...
and it'll be even worse. even more pain.

Why?
I'm so afraid.
I don't want to go through it again.
NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
What's the problem with me?
Why is it like that?

I'm really really scared.
It's more serious.
I don't want to go through it.
This is so scary.
I really hope it isn't true.
But this is reality.

~Afraid and scared...

I'm back. Again. Haha.
Just suddenly got the urge to blog.

Yesterday, my mum asked me if i want to carry on,
taking diploma for piano.
I was like, huh?
I have to take if i want to carry on taking O level music.

Speaking about that,
I'm not sure if i should carry on taking O level music.
It's like, i barely passed the 1st and 2nd term,
and even failed the 3rd term! Argh!
EOY music is still ok.
I was quite shocked when i saw the results.
Was like, is this really my result.
I think i just happen to get that mark by chance or smth.

I don't really think i'm talented in music.
My mum told me that she heard that
most people will go to NAFA after grade 8.
They'll go through an audition and if they pass,
they get to learn diploma.
But isn't NAFA for those people who want to
speciallise in music? And love music?
I mean, i love music.
But i don't think i'm talented enough to get in.
I told my mum,
i would most probably not pass the audition if i go for it.
She told me not to think so lowly of myself.
But i seriously think that i'm not good
and not talented in this area.
SO why would i even do well in this area?

I'm really in a dilemma.
Should i continue taking O level music?
Today, tr told us real life stories.
Whereby some students break down just months before Os.
And they can't remember anything even basic concepts!
Mental breakdown!
AH!!! I scared that will happen to me!
Tr say this yr,
a 4A1 girl, who always top maths or smth,
she broke down and couldn't rmb any concepts.
OMG. I hope that won't happen.
It's really bad.

Anyways, back to O level music.
I'm scared that i won't have time to practice the piano.
I'm seriously depending a lot on my practical
cos my theory really sucks.
Esp composing.
The listening part is still ok.
And there's a still a lit. part for music which we haven't learn.
And hello?
I don't take lit! I don't understand lit!!! Oh no!!!
How??? How???
I'm afraid that i cannot cope.
It's an extra subject.
I still have 8 other subjects to cope with.
And other responsibilities to carry.
Eg. Senior peer lite...

WIll i be able to cope well?
Will i do well in the subject?
Should i continue taking the subject?
I'm really lost and confused...

Back from Peer lite training camp!!! :)
Had fun and i wanna go back.
Didn't want it to end...
Time really flies.
Maybe cos i was doing so many things,
handling so many stuff during the camp that's why it seems to past so fast. Haha.

The camp went quite well i guess.
The juniors were great.
Log stuff were proper and prepared,
except for some hic cups along the way.
Yea. I must be more careful the next year for the refreshers course.
But for now, i must concentrate on my o levels, which is,
omg. The day after tomorrow!!! (sound like the movie... haha...)

Anyway, here's my thoughts and feelings after the camp.

What I've learnt
- I felt great that we've shown the ropes to the juniors taking over us.
(oh mans... we're old... sad that we're "retiring"... :( sighs...)
- I think i've learnt more leadership skills.
- I think i've also took another step to become a better leader through this camp
as i took up the role as the logistics committee head. Learnt how to coordinate everyone
and stuff...
- I've learnt how to deal with problems i may face in future. Although my dad helped me
solve it this time, I've learnt from the incident.
-How to manage my time. Had to handle all the log stuff (which is quite a lot) and find time to
study for chinese at the same time.
- Keep calm when facing problems. I was freaking out for the T shirts which was quite last
minute.
- Be more "brave" and talk to strangers without appearing to be scared.
( when finding T shirt suppliers...)

What I can improve on
- Be more efficient
- When sending emails to teachers, try not to send too late, like 10plus pm
- Manage my time better
- Leadership skills
- Speaking in front of a crowd
- Communicate more

Yea. That's all I guess.
Wanna sleep now.
Whole day of Chinese tomorrow.
Wish me good luck for O levels...
I hope that i can do well...